Divorce

Divorce is a word that can trigger many emotions both personally and intellectually.  Divorce has probably affected every person and every family directly and indirectly.  There are numerous studies and statistics about divorce, but some aren’t that reliable, while others are fairly accurate.  There are multiple studies that have found that marriage couples that were dissatisfied or unhappy in marriage, were assessed 5 years later and found that 70% became very satisfied or happy in marry.  Two years after the divorce, one or both partners said that “they could have or should have saved the marriage”.

Seventy percent of men are remarried within 2 years of a divorce, women are much less likely to marry after divorce.  A contributing factor might be women whom have children may be the primary caregivers and it is more difficult for men to commit to an entire new family.  Women may become more selective when seeking a marriage partner the second time around.  72% of marriages remain married to their first partner until death.  The most common divorce rate that is quoted is that 50% of marriages end in divorce, but typically this include those that have been divorced multiple times.  This is what contributes to this statistic, 2^nd and 3^rd marriages result in divorce more often, which increases the percentage of marriages that end in divorce.

How does this affect the father’s relationship with his children after a divorce?  Typically, mother’s move to a new location to find increased support for herself and family.  The mother sometimes needs to move to find new work to support the family.  Fathers sometimes need to move to find a better job to support his family with increased costs including child support.  The absence of the father in his children’s lives has an enormous effect on the outcome of the children.  Sometimes we don’t fully realize how much divorce will affect the entire family.  We do know that everyone is hurt by a divorce.

Dallin H. Oaks gave some beautiful counsel about divorce.  He said, “Divorce is not an all-purpose solution, and it often creates long-term heartache.  A broad-based international study of the levels of happiness before and after “major life events” found that, on average, persons are far more successful in recovering their level of happiness after the death of a spouse than after a divorce.  Spouses who hope that divorce will resolve conflicts often find that it aggravates them, since the complexities that follow divorce—especially where there are children—generate new conflicts. Think first of the children. Because divorce separates the interests of children from the interests of their parents, children are its first victims. Scholars of family life tell us that the most important cause of the current decline in the well-being of children is the current weakening of marriage, because family instability decreases parental investment in children. We know that children raised in a single-parent home after divorce have a much higher risk for drug and alcohol abuse, sexual promiscuity, poor school performance, and various kinds of victimization.”

A divorce doesn’t only affect the couple and the children, it affects the extended family.  For example, the grandparents, step children, in-laws, cousins, aunts and uncles whom are expected to sever or abolish those relationships.  Some children will never have contact with some of their most cherished and influential people that they love, because of divorce.  Divorce affects the entire family both immediate and extended. 

What follows divorce?  After some time determined by each individual, dating begins.  This may introduce opportunities for re-marriage.  Many times, this includes acquiring step-children, half-children and the blending of families.  This requires a great deal of patience and working together as a newly organized marriage and family.  In most cases, mothers are very protective of their children especially when the new father figure tries to discipline a child.  If one parent is stricter than the other, the other parent often compensates for that.  This can be frustrating for both parents in the new marriage, or in any marriage.  The other spouse can feel they are being undermined and their feelings are not valid in the home, in the marriage, and with the new children.  This take a tremendous amount of communication and trying to not undermine the spouse’s opinion.  This might mean you need to have more closed-door conversations to address these new issues.  Each spouse needs to value the other and help each other with their new roles and challenges with marriage and parenting with love and respect.

Divorce in some cases are appropriate and it is only for the individuals involved to decide what is best for them and their families.  We should not judge one another by the choices made, in every case we need to show and increase love to those who struggle in any way.

Parenting

What is the purpose of parenting? It is to protect and prepare a child to survive and thrive in the world they are going to live in.  The role of mother and father is the most important work we will ever have.  Society is beginning to value these roles as secondary to careers, education, degrees, and positions of power. 

Positive parenting helps develop healthy connections and develops a sense of safety for the children.  It also helps communities and society as a whole.  It is important to teach children courage, self-esteem, responsibility, cooperation, and respect at young ages to establish a healthy emotional development.  We also need to be socialized to be happy, physical touch is important to fulfill an essential need.  Many times, as parents we focus on behaviors and are eager to correct them.  This may be due to our desire to be seen as good parents if others see how obedient our children are.  We might also believe that we are instilling respect in our children if they do what we say.  This may be a good desire, but if we are only focusing on behaviors we are not really focused on long-term goals and character-building traits.  Children may only show us the behavior but they may not actually be developing long-lasting behavior.  We can do things for the wrong reasons all the time.  When we do things out of force or obligation, we may do it resentfully or rebelliously.  This then may become more about control.  When children grow up being controlled, they are not fully prepared to live independently.  In many cases they likewise end up controlling their own children, cycles repeat themselves so be careful what you want to pass on to the future generation.  It is important to teach your children to contribute so they can feel they are part of a team.  This helps them develop a sense of belonging and empowerment.  It is good to offer development skill building activities that challenge them.  There are times we prevent our children from doing anything difficult believing we are helping them.  In reality, we are crippling them or stifling their growth.  I love the parable of the butterfly.

A child’s primary needs are physical contact, sense of belonging, individual power, withdrawal, and challenge.  Sometimes children take a mistaken approach with undue attention seeking, rebellion, attempting to control others (bullying), and seeking revenge.  A parental approach might be to offer contact freely, teach choices and consequences, and teach responsibility or in other words (response ability), assertiveness, and forgiveness.  It is vital to teaching these principles by example, showing your children what these things look like.  It is important to give your children opportunities to grow and develop these characteristics.  Many times, we want to intervene and prevent our children from being hurt or uncomfortable so we remove obstacles so our children won’t suffer.  However, growth during struggle may be some of their most valuable learning and beneficial for their future.  It’s important to let your children fail sometimes, this can be very difficult, but if they fail when they are still growing, you have an opportunity to guide them through it.  It is better for them to learn this while they are young and impressionable, verses them learning this as a young adult away from your home and without the influence of their parents.  

We have heard about helicopter parents who hover over their children and try to influence their decisions or tell their young adult children what they should do.  There is a new term called lawnmower parents.  These types of parents clear a path of all obstacles or difficulties before their children.  They don’t want their children to suffer or struggle in life.  The issue this presents for children is it stifles essential growth and development.  What is wrong with struggle?  Absolutely nothing, it is essential and where our greatest education comes from.  I hear many parents counsel their adult children about marrying too early, discouraging children from having children early in their marriage, delaying marriage and family until they have finished their education and established their careers, for the sake of preventing struggle.  This is not doctrinal, on the contrary.  Parents should not have opinions on this and if so, you should keep it to yourself.  Once children marry, those conversations are for the couple only, if they do ask for an opinion, you may share some thoughts or experiences you have had.  But parents should not tell their adult children what they should do, they need to learn to rely on spiritual promptings and the counsel of their new spouse.  This can develop a whole new set of issues, and can damage the new budding marriage relationship.  Parenting is the most difficult and beautiful role of our lives.

The Importance of Fatherhood

In current trends we see the value of men and fatherhood is being undermined by women and by society.  I believe that women are pretty awesome and have the ability to juggle many things to make things work.  Likewise, I believe that men are equally incredible and essential to our homes, communities, and families.  We have different roles that we play, and sometimes they overlap each other in complementary ways.

I tried to find some resources on the importance of men and or fathers on Google, and to my surprise, there is very little information on this without a great deal of searching.  Why is this information not more readily available when we know of the trouble that occurs primarily with children when a father is absent in a home?  We hear so much about the “Me too” movement, unequal pay, toxic masculinity, and so on blasted on nearly every network and radio station.  Disclaimer: I do think there has been abuse of power in the workplace; and under no circumstances should a woman tolerate or condone unwanted advances, or abuse of any kind.  I’m not going to address those issues, only that I want to say that there are good men, faithful husbands, and committed fathers.  When we are exposed to so much negativity about any race, gender, culture we begin to see everyone in that way, and it may just be a biased viewpoint.

I did find some view points from our church leaders on a father’s importance and role in the family.  Todd D. Christofferson expressed, “As a Church, we believe in fathers. We believe in “the ideal of the man who puts his family first.”  We believe that “by divine design, fathers are to preside over their families in love and righteousness and are responsible to provide the necessities of life and protection for their families.” We believe that in their complementary family duties, “fathers and mothers are obligated to help one another as equal partners.” We believe that far from being superfluous, fathers are unique and irreplaceable.  Loving the mother of his children—and showing that love—are two of the best things a father can do for his children. This reaffirms and strengthens the marriage that is the foundation of their family life and security.  Some men are single fathers, foster fathers, or stepfathers. Many of them strive mightily and do their very best in an often difficult role. We honor those who do all that can be done in love, patience, and self-sacrifice to meet individual and family needs.”

I love that it was stated the two best things a father can do for his children is to love their mother and to show it.  There are many men who say they love their wives, but keep it secretly to themselves.  Children need to be shown examples of love and unity and that it exists.  The home should be the best place to learn these things, not what they see in movies, you tube videos, books, and video games.  Our society is struggling because our relationships are struggling, our families and homes are struggling.  How do we correct it?  Love, this is always the answer.  Model love, fidelity, morality, forgiveness, unity, to your spouses and children.  Our children are always watching and learning from our example, and we will be held accountable for it.  We work the hardest for what we want most.

Work is an important part of our roles in society and in the home and family.  In times past we have seen that men were the providers although women may have worked periodically to help out during financially stressful times.  Women primarily worked within their homes, and some men have also shared some of those responsibilities.  Many times, when we work together as a family this increases family unity and closeness.  We all need a responsibility, and working increases self-worth, self-esteem and empowerment to increase in knowledge and develop essential life skills.  Parents need to lead by example, this is how you influence your children.  It is much better for parents to encourage their children to work and do chores when you work alongside them.  When we work together, we can accomplish amazing things.  We need to work to preserve our most treasured relationships, if we neglect them, they will breakdown and deteriorate.  

Communicating with Empathy

It has been said the key to a good marriage is to have good communication.  I think it should be of highest importance for both spouses to be able to express themselves honestly and openly in marriage.  It should be a feeling of safety, and yet so many hold back some of their most private and important thoughts and feelings from their partner.  Perhaps this is due to fears, apprehensions, or embarrassment to discuss certain feelings, wondering if they might be judged by their partner.  They may even have resentment towards their spouse for not instinctively knowing them.  The key to good communication is empathy.  Empathy is the ability to understand and share feelings of another.  Empathy can almost be compared to applying first aid to someone who is hurting or in pain.  You are not trying to fix the other person, you are trying to address pain or infliction and understand their point of view.  There are 5 secrets to communication: the first is the disarming technique, you need to find the kernel of truth in what the other person is saying, even when it is hard to hear.  The next step is to express empathy using thoughts, feelings and emotions.  Next is inquiry, should we talk more?  People repeat things until they believe you understand them., they may not always believe that you are listening to them.  Some suggestions to inquire better are to ask:

Assertiveness is defined as confident and forceful behavior.  These are some healthy ways to communicate your feelings without being forceful in a negative way.  Often, we tend to withdraw or avoid exploring these feelings.  Below, I have listed how we can address issues that may come up in an assertive way that is healthy for both people who are involved in the exchange.

When (the event or situation)

I feel or have felt (emotion)

Because (thoughts, my perception)

I would like (share hope)

Notice these begin with “I” statements, not “you” statements.  There is a huge difference in the meaning, for instance, “You make me so angry, You never help me around the house, You don’t make me feel loved.”  It is better to express oneself in this way, “I feel rejected when you don’t validate my feelings, I don’t feel that you respect or love me, I would like us to work as a team.”  No one can tell the other person how they feel, we can only tell someone how we are feeling.  When you use “you” statements, it feels like blame and it immediately makes the other person feel defensive.  Respect is a feeling of deep admiration for someone or something elicited by their abilities, qualities, or achievements.  In the last step we should express genuine and authentic admiration and appreciation.  It is important for us to convey respect.

In D&C 121:41-43, it says, “No power or influence can or ought to be maintained by virtue of the priesthood, only by persuasion, by long-suffering, by gentleness and meekness, and by love unfeigned; By kindness, and pure knowledge, which shall greatly enlarge the soul without hypocrisy, and without guile.  Reproving betimes with sharpness, when moved upon by the Holy Ghost; and then showing forth afterwards an increase of love towards him whom thou hast reproved, lest he esteem thee to be his enemy.”  Isn’t that an interesting statement?  After reproving, which means conveying or expressing blame or disapproval that afterwards we should show an increase of love towards that person.  If we do not do this, that person will consider us to be their enemy.  This works in every relationship, marriage partners, children, co-workers, extended family.  We will say hurtful things in our most important relationships, and we will have difficult conversations.  If we allow the hurtful or negative things to linger or remain, they will fester and manifest themselves in very negative ways.  After a difficult conversation, we need to express the things we do love and appreciate about the other person, not all people are just bad, there is good in everyone.  Let me say, I am not condoning meanness or emotional abuse in any way as long as you end the conversation with a compliment, don’t misread me.  I’m saying when correction is needed do it with love and anxious concern for the other person involved.

Ephesians 4: 29, 31 says, “Let no corrupt communication proceed out of your mouth, but that which is good to the use of edifying, than it may ministered grace unto the hearers.”  Vs. 31, “Let all bitterness, and wrath, and anger, and clamour, and evil speaking, be put away from you, with all malice: And be ye kind one to another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, even as God for Christ’s sake hath forgiven you.”  Let us be kind, loving, and forgiving.

Stress in Relationships

Husband and wife ideally should be equally yoked together, and this relationship is above any other relationship.  There is a boundary that surrounds the couple, that supersedes other relationships.  The next closest relationship should be between the children, which also have certain boundaries.  When children are too close to one or both parents, they have a hard time breaking away from that relationship as they marry and begin a new marriage.  There are times when mothers put their children’s needs above their spouse’s, this can undermine the husband and his position in the family and more importantly the marriage. 

This can present a challenge when parents have become so close to children while they are being raised. Mothers are primarily responsible for the nurturing of their children, and often she can be the one that has important discussions with them.  We should look for opportunities to include the father in these important discussions.  The children will eventually leave the home and this can leave a strain on the marital relationship, if the focus has been primarily on the children and not the marriage.  One of the highest rates of divorce occurs as children leave the home and the husband and wife are left with only one another.  If they have not put their marriage as a high priority above all other relationships, they may find that they may have grown into living parallel lives.  This is a reason why date nights are important and finding things that you can share together as a couple.

I heard some advice recently from a woman who said you should set aside one day a week, one weekend a month, and one week a year for time with just you and your spouse.  Unfortunately, I heard this after my children are grown, but I think it is great advice.  We have been counseled by our church leaders to have a weekly date night for a reason.  There is so much stress in our lives with work, marriage, children, church responsibilities, education, etc.  Courtship after marriage is just as important for maintaining the relationship as it was in dating prior to marriage.  This can be difficult when funds are low and stress with children are high.  Nurturing marriage takes a lot of work and effort, but yields great blessings.

Life is full of stressful events and everyone experiences them, however it is how we respond to these things that determine our ability to work through and overcome them.  It may be easier to break down our stressors' to determine how to move forward and become more resilient.  Resilience is defined as the ability to spring back into shape, or how flexible we are as we experience struggle.  We need to assess our family resources and strengths to overcome and get through our specific challenges. 

When stress in marriage and family occurs, we should see it as an opportunity to assess where we are at, and how we can improve things.  If we are unhappy in our relationships, rather than place blame on the other person, we should see how we are contributing or withholding from individuals.  This applies to children as well as our spouses.  As we diagnose what we personally need and express this openly, honestly, and lovingly to those we love, we may begin to see change.  It may not be the change that you hope another person makes, but the changes you make within yourself.  This is where change begins, with you.  We cannot change or control another person, we can influence them, but change is completely up to them.  The only thing we can ultimately control is ourselves.  I have personally learned that as I let go of anger, hurt, resentment, and betrayal, I free myself from those feelings that seek to destroy my peace.  I have only been able to do this with my Savior, Jesus Christ.  Studying His gospel, reading scriptures about His love, and the forgiveness He offered to others helps me overcome my natural feelings.  He is my exemplar and I have felt of His peace and redeeming love and it is available to everyone.

Intimacy in Marriage

Intimacy in and out of marriage can be a sensitive and even taboo topic, but it shouldn’t be.  Intimacy was given to us by God, our bodies were created for “oneness”, joy, pleasure, increased closeness, and to create children.  There are some who believe that sexual intimacy is only for the bearing of children but this is not true, it is to enhance a marital relationship, and increase in closeness.  This is something that should only be expressed in marriage between a husband and a wife, it unifies them and helps them to find companionship, joy, and love. 

Sex is not a dirty word, but it has been made some feel that way.  Our society has turned intimacy into a shameful thing, but it has been taken out of context and what it’s purpose initially was.  We are exposed to sex in all forms of media through, music, movies, television, literature, and pornography.  Intimacy can be so beautiful and wonderful as partners learn to serve one another but can become something harmful, hurtful, and used as a negotiating tool.  This was never the purpose and it is something very important to enhance marriages that both partners feel safe and secure communicating their concerns to one another.

In previous blogs I have written, I mentioned the need for open, honest communication.  In regards to intimacy this is very important as well.  We tend to be shy, or withdraw from talking about this topic, but it is an important part of marriage.  A book that has really helped me is, “And They Were Not Ashamed”.  I struggled as a newlywed 25 years ago, I had a hard time transitioning from this is bad, and now we are married, so it is good.  I had a hard time being open about sex with my spouse, and for those that know me now, may be shocked by that.  I didn’t feel I could talk openly with anyone about intimacy because no one talked about it.  I have tried to talk openly to my children about this, so they are more prepared about intimacy and can be open with their spouses.  The book, I mentioned above is Christian based and it discusses real life issues that couples face is a beautiful and open way.  It has chapters in there for women and for men and how each of them may feel, and things that can help each of them to better understand and know about the other. We should never feel shameful about something that God has commanded us to do, to help us be happy as a couple.  He wants us to feel joy, pleasure, happiness, and content in our most private moments with our companion, it is part of His plan.

I strongly believe, that we need to teach this to our children at age appropriate times, but at least by age 8.  We should not feel ashamed to use proper names for the anatomy of our bodies, if we are ashamed to use this language with our children, they will observe that and feel it is bad or wrong due to our actions, or lack thereof.  If our children cannot come to us and feel comfortable with changes in their bodies and sexual inquiries, they will turn to the internet and friends for this education.  Is this really what we want?  It is best for our children to learn from us, and this gives us as parents an opportunity to share what we know and how this knowledge has blessed your marriage and family.  It can bring you closer together, and when the questions get harder, they will know they can trust you and seek your guidance.  Children should not learn about sex and intimacy two days before they get married, it is far too late by then, they may have already turned to pornography to learn about it.

Men and women need to be compassionate and patient as they learn about their new roles in the bedroom once they are married.  A couple would be wise to keep their private matters private, out of respect for the spouse.  However, if there is something that one or the other is struggling with, they should first talk with each other, and perhaps seek professional help in this area.  Every body is different and they respond differently to stimuli, so knowing how your spouse is feeling, is critical to the overall happiness of the marriage relationship.  Be careful in areas of intimacy, men and women do not share the same time frame for arousal, this takes patience, and careful consideration of the partner.  It gets better with time and experience so practice, practice, practice with your spouse and spouse only, of course.

Making the Transition from Dating to Marriage

Dating can be such a magical time filled with endorphins, quality time, spontaneity, and endless bliss.  Hopefully during this time, you are able to see your companion in many types of situations that helped you trust, rely on, confide in, and really know this person.  Sometimes we don’t date long enough, and are in a hurry to plan the wedding and get married.   We seek after this “Happily Ever After” so quickly, that we may tend to overlook red flags or dismiss warning signs.  Dating for a longer period of time can help you see them as they really are, after they have become relaxed around you.  You may want to see how they treat their family members, pets or animals, how they interact with small children, how they deal with disappointments, and their work ethic.   Dating is the time that we can have fun getting to know someone, so be careful not to rush this process. 

Engagement generally follows dating and while this is an exciting time it can also be very stressful.  Too often, we focus so much on the wedding that we neglect to prepare for marriage.  The average cost of a wedding today is between $19,000 to $35,000.  These figures shocked me, I have had two daughters get married and it didn’t even come close to that.  Yet, so many young couples start out in debt trying to get the big ring, and have the dream wedding, regardless of the cost.  Many times, the parents can help with the cost but this can also be burdensome in different ways.  Usually the bride’s parents pay the majority of the wedding costs and this can make the young couple feel obligated to her parents.  Parents and the couple need to be careful in this area, and allow the process to strengthen the new bride and groom.  Many times, the bride and her mother plan the majority of the wedding, leaving the groom out of the planning.  This can lead to strain on the new couple, and possibly isolating to the groom.  Engaged couples should spend quality time together and prepare for their new life and how they are going to handle the new responsibilities.

Next comes marriage.  Newlyweds are infectious with affection, love, and mutual admiration.  My second daughter recently married and we just love seeing them together and the happiness that exudes from them.  This is not the experience for everyone, the first year can be really difficult as you are learning to blend two people’s separate lives into one.  Each spouse has come from different backgrounds, spending habits, and experiences.  This doesn’t mean your relationship is doomed, it simple means you need to learn how to merge your lives and make adjustments to your newly shared life.

Marriage is sacred and no other person, other relationship, or hobby should come in between the marriage relationship.  In Genesis 2:24 it says, “Therefore shall a man leave his father and his mother, and shall cleave unto his wife: and they shall be one flesh.”  This is possibly the hardest transition couples make, is leaving their old life and making a new one.  I don’t think this scripture means that you abandon your parents, extended family, and friends entirely, but you do need to reprioritize and restructure your newly formed family.  After talking to many different newly married couples, one of the biggest strains in their marriage are their relationships with the in-laws.  Which family do you spend the holidays with, how often should you call home, which family are you going to live by?  This can be extremely burdensome on a new couple.  In most cases, it is probably best to be on your own for a while, so that you can create an independence from parents, and learn how to depend on your spouse.  As a mother in law, this can be a difficult transition for the parents as well.  Letting your children go really pulls on your heartstrings, however, it is the best thing for your children to learn to live independent of you.  Sometimes girls’ nights and guys nights can become burdensome on a couple’s relationship, so you need to be mindful of activities that take you away from each other.  This doesn’t mean you need to give up everything you once loved because you get married.  You don’t, you should have some healthy individual activities that you enjoy.  It should mean that you re-evaluate the amount of time spent apart from your spouse, and perhaps find ways to include them in some of those activities.  Once you have committed to marriage, your spouse’s happiness should be your highest priority and supersede any other relationship. In Mark 10: 9, it says, “What therefore God hath joined together, let not man put asunder.”